


my dearest

by sweetsindle



Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [5]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aster's thoughts on the newest member of his staff, Budding Love, F/M, For lovecoreciel, Gift Fic, POV First Person, Time Travel, happy valentine's day!!!!, he's gaining a crush and he's terrified
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22889578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetsindle/pseuds/sweetsindle
Summary: ɪᴛ'ꜱ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀ ᴍᴏɴᴛʜ ꜱɪɴᴄᴇ ᴇʟʟᴀ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʜᴀɴᴛᴏᴍʜɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴀɴᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴇᴡᴇꜱᴛ ᴍᴀɪᴅ, ᴊᴏɪɴᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴀɴᴋꜱ. ᴀꜱᴛᴇʀ ʜᴀꜱ ᴛʀɪᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ʜɪꜱ ᴅɪꜱᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴜꜱᴜᴀʟ ᴄᴏʟᴅ ɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛᴏᴡᴀʀᴅꜱ ʜᴇʀ, ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛᴏ ꜰᴀɪʟ ᴍɪꜱᴇʀᴀʙʟʏ-ʜᴇ'ꜱ ᴛᴇʀʀɪꜰɪᴇᴅ ᴏꜰ ʜɪꜱ ᴜɴᴅᴇɴɪᴀʙʟᴇ, ɴᴇᴡꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ʜᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀɴᴛꜱ ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴛᴏ ɢᴇᴛ ʀɪᴅ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ꜰᴏʀ ʜᴇʀ ꜱᴀᴋᴇ, ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ ʜᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪᴛ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴘᴏꜱꜱɪʙʟᴇ.LENEE'S BLOG: https://lovecoreciel.tumblr.com/
Relationships: Ciel Phantomhive/OC
Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653784
Kudos: 4





	my dearest

**Author's Note:**

> For one of my best Kuro friends, lovecoreciel! (https://lovecoreciel.tumblr.com/) Happy /EARLY/ White Day!
> 
> Words can describe how much I love you, and just how insanely proud I am of you, and all the work your currently doing for your upcoming fanfiction, staring your absolutely lovely OC Ella, and the rest of the Kuro gang!!!
> 
> I can't WAIT to see how Ella and Aster get together in your fic - their so cute together, and I love them so much!!! BEST OF LUCK, HON! 💙💙💙💙💙💙

_I hate myself._

I can't stop thinking about _her._

No matter what I do, I can't stop...my mind...whenever it wanders, it always goes to... _her_...I don't want it to, believe me. All I want...Is for me to finally stop thinking about _her_ \- **_for once!_**

I sit up straight in my seat and let out a sigh, trying my best to hold in the upcoming tears that prick the corners of my eyes, one of which, that started to soak my faux eyepatch. Shaking my head, trying to get a hold of myself, I look to the window, trying my best to stop. 

I don't want to cry.

_I'm not going to cry._

In all my years, never has anyone made me want to do this before, yet, here we are with her...

Ever since I met her, I suppose...in my heart I always knew that I loved her, even if she never loved me. 

I doubt that she'd ever love me.

Why do I care if she does or not?

It's not like it matters, anyhow.

She's so much more different than I...or, anyone else here, for that matter. From whatever time she came from, I'm sure she likes someone there more. Who could blame her? We're both so different, how could we even start to understand each other, truly? 

_This is a mess._

I'm a mess.

I don't notice it at first, but there she is, with the rest of the servants, laughing and giggling like someone had just said the funniest thing in the world. Cocking my head as I watch them, I wonder quietly to myself what they think is so funny. It's stupid, but somewhere, in the back of my heart, I feel an ache.

It's tiny, but it's there.

And it's so, so raw.

 _'I want to join them,'_ I think, my big blue eye watching them all in wonder as I rest my chin on my hands and view them from afar. _'But should I really?'_

I do, really, want to be in their company...but would they want to be in mine?

I feel like if I were to, hypothetically, finally gain up the courage to get up and go outside that they'll act...It's stupid. 

This doesn't matter.

No, not at all.

So what if _she_ doesn't want to be in my company?

So what if they don't, either?

It's fine.

I'm fine.

This is _all_ fine. 

It doesn't matter if they don't like me - it doesn't matter if she _~~the girl I'm practically, hopelessly lovesick for~~_ doesn't like me, either. 

Since when did I _care_ so much? 

Since when did my heart _feel_ this way about not being with _~~people I love~~_ them?

Gah, why am I like this? It doesn't matter, _~~Aster~~_ Ciel. It doesn't matter at all. No one loves you, no one cares. I'm supposed to be the _Earl of Phantomhive_ , tall and proud - not unhappy or afraid of a single thing.

Yet here I am.

Alone, unhappy, broken...yearning...hoping.... _wishing._

_**I'm pathetic.** _

I continue to watch them, my heart starting to pound like crazy, almost like a drum. Once dull, same pace, now loud and rapid. Tears pricking the corners of my eyes once again, out of real worry (and nervousness), I start to shakily tap my fingers on the sill, hoping to /somehow/ stop my worrying from getting the better of me.

Words, nor my actions could possibly describe how badly I wanted to jump from my seat, and book it down the long corridors and stairs, all the way down to the beautiful garden which Sebastian had so carefully crafted only a few years ago.

Oh, how much I longed to run down there (hah - as if my weak lungs would ever let me do such a thing) and grasp _her_ by the hands, and tell her _the truth._

I wanted to hug her tightly, and never let go, sobbing into _her_ shoulder about things I missed and wished...holding onto her tightly, afraid that if I let go, that she might disappear into thin air like a ghost...like _she_ had never even been there in the first place.

Gone like that of the breeze, snuffed out like a candle.

Gone forever, never to come back.

Cold.

So, so terribly _cold._

I shivered, tears finally, truly threatening to spill. _'Just like that day...that month...Last year, too...'_ I thought, wanting badly to forget those horrible days, but knowing for the sake of myself (and my revenge)...I can't. I can never, ever forget.

I wish I could.

I want to, but what am I, without my hatred? Without my stupid revenge?

If I didn't have them, then I wouldn't have even ever been here.

I wouldn't have had the experiences (both excellent and horrible) I was able to.

I wouldn't have been able to go to the places I've been to.

I wouldn't have been able to meet anyone I've met.

**_I would have never have met her._ **

Choking back a sob, I shook my head, trying to get that thought out of my head. I didn't want to think about it. I feel so stupid. I've never loved someone this much before,.. besides my big brother. Losing him was the absolute worst feeling in the world...If something happened to _her,_ I could never, ever forgive myself. 

What would I do if _she_ died?

Would I even be the same?

_'Stop thinking, stop thinking - you're going to go mad!'_ I whispered, feeling like my head was about to explode. I felt a dull ache...My world was dizzy. I looked up from the scene before me, only making everything seem even more otherworldly than before.

Everything hurt.

I hurt.

It won't stop.

I need to talk to _her._

Talk to her.

_Her._

Talk.

Now.

_Her._

Talk-

_**NO.** _

I shook my head, desperately trying my best to make the pain stop, but to no avail. Everything just hurt so badly. I needed to talk to her...but I couldn't! She wouldn't understand, after all. 

_She_ hates me!

Ever since we first met, it's been nothing but bad-mouthing and bickering. Maybe a 'cruel' joke every now and again, but other than that? Nothing. We've never indeed been friendly to each other. Just formalities between master and servant-

_Master and Servant._

God, how I hate that. Just thinking it makes me want to hurl. Even if _she_ did, somehow, return my feelings, we'd never be accepted by anyone. We're two different classes, for God's sake!

_**Oh, how lucky am I.** _

But does it matter, anyhow? I'm going to die soon, anyways. It's better to keep my distance. At first, I hadn't cared wither I would affect anyone by me going away, but if...If we- Everything is a mess.

This isn't fair.

Why, for once in my life, can't something honestly go my way?

I finally find someone I honest-to-God love, and this is what I get? Just about the same luck as being contracted to Sebastian. Yes, I gained power. Yes, I get ~~_Ciel's_~~ my title. Yes, I had the opportunity to have my dream company, and all that...but at the end? 

I'll die.

Sebastian will take my soul, and all my hard work is for naught. I doubt I'll make it to fourteen, let alone any other age that 'guarantees' any bloody life with _her._

_**Even then, with all that...If I won't make it...why keep it to myself?** _

Mustering all the strength within me (both mental and physical) I finally got up, my knees feeling like the cold orange gelatin Sebastian occasionally serves me on the warmer days In the spring and summer. My heart is pounding, my head is dizzier than a spun top, and I feel like I'm about to throw up all from my unrelenting fears.

I can do it.

If I can't do anything else, I can do this.

I looked back to the window, and back to the scene with _her_ and the servants. _She's_ going to hate me forever, and this will probably ruin our already tense relationship, but what the hell do I have to lose?

Nodding softly, I gathered my courage and headed out my office door. I passed portrait after portrait, statue after statue, corridor after corridor, hallway after hallway, room after room, door after door until I finally made it there.

I stood at the entrance to the garden for a bit, shyly watching the love of my laugh talk with her friends, a bright, beautiful smile on her face as she picked an unsuspecting daffodil, and twirling it in her dainty fingers.

I'd stay here forever, watching this lovely picture if I could but that would just be stalling...I can't waste time.

_**Who am I kidding? I won't. I love her. I can't continue to do this anymore.** _

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding loudly in my chest, and my hands shaky. _'It's time'._

I walk down to _her_ and pick a white rose from the array of breathtakingly-snowy-white flowers from the nearby prickly bush. With a shy, yet elated smile, and tears about to fall, just as _she's_ about to leave the bench _she_ had been sitting on, I gently take ahold of _her_ powder-white sleeve.

"Ella?"


End file.
